♥

The Melodies.

<body>
Sunday, November 9, 2014

A letter to my reflection, my other self. 

 Today (6/8/2014), I'm flying to Bali. I have been awaiting to go this place for a long long time. I have read about Bali, and even watched television about Bali, but never had the chance to go over. Previously I nearly made it there but due to work commitments, I had to give up the trip. By giving up on the trip, it meant voiding my ticket, canceling my reservations, and my tour. It's a sad sad thing to do. It's like you are looking forward to it, but you just had to let it go. This time, I finally made it. I can't explain or even describe how excited I was.

 At the airport, as I was checking in, I could feel the butterflies fluttering in my tummy. It was like almost the same kind of feeling that I felt when I left for Bangkok. That kind of excitement, and so looking forward to to something. Couldn't feel happier, and excited. As the plane took off, I bid Singapore goodbye. I will be back home in a few days time. For now, allow me to seek comfort in another place. Allow me to see the other parts of the world, and immerse in their cultures.

 Throughout the flight, I didn't manage to sleep. I was that excited, like how I was feeling when I was on the flight to Bangkok. I kept my eyes glued to the window, and I saw those clouds floating by. I don't know which region I was in, but hey, I saw those fluffy clouds and the silver lining of the sun. You can't imagine how thrilled I was. I felt absolute peace, and I could hear myself breathing. I didn't hear any voices, or thoughts. That moment, just that moment, I felt alive. I could imagine myself touching those clouds, and allowing their softness to wrap around my fingers. And then I thought how wonderful it will be to have your fingers locking mine. It's almost like an unity of peacefulness, and the thoughts. I pictured myself running amongst the fluffy white clouds, allowing the wind to run through my hair. I pictured myself stopping by the clouds, and peeling off a bit of it. The moment I put them in my mouth, they melted. They became water. They didn't taste horrible like the rain. They tasted like spring water-sweet, and refreshing. Just like how you are. 

 I turned to my coconut, and I asked her, "do you think we can eat the clouds? How will they taste like?" She replied "why would you even want to eat the clouds?" "They are so fluffy, and they look so delicious." "Oh, like cotton candy. Hmmm, I think they will taste like the rain, yucky." "Oh? Hmmm..." So what will do you think the clouds will taste like? Will you agree with my other self that clouds will taste like spring water? 

 You know, the moment that I touched down, I was literally bursting with excitement, and a little fear. Just a little. I'm afraid people might go "taxi taxi. Where you going?" And they might quote me incredibly high prices. Haha. Other than that, it feels so amazing to be at the airport. It's clean, and filled with nice statues. Even the airport eludes the strong cultures. It felt almost exactly the same as when I touched down at Bangkok airport. Oh, my other self, can you relate? 

 The journey to the villa took about 2 hours. Coconut's and my ass were abut to split. It's that long, and the bumpy ride. However, thank goodness, the villa was awesome. It certainly made the cracking of coconut asses worthwhile! The people there were nice, and the place itself is serene, and filled with all the amenities. 

 Alright, that's all for day 1. I can't wait to go back there. I believe you will agree too. I'm sorry for neglecting you over the past few days as I didn't have much alone time to reconnect with my other self, but you are always there with me on the entire trip.

`beautiful delusions_
7:01 PM


<body>
Wednesday, May 21, 2014

A letter to my future husband.

 Dear future husband, 

 I wonder how are you doing? Today, on the 20th May 2014, I'm actually alone in a spa resort. This place is filled with friendly employees, and families, or friends who are traveling together. This is actually my first trip alone, and I thought it did be fun. It's not exactly that fun per se, but it is quiet, and comfortable. It is a little too peaceful here. I do feel alone because there are no solo travelers here except for myself. I wonder, where are the other solo travelers are.. Let me share with you my adventures for today.

 From the time I have left Tanah Merah Ferry terminal, I know there's no turning back. I had to survive the days on my own, and find out what I'm really seeking for. There were so much uncertainties about the future. I hear ringing bells in my head about the possible decisions that I could have make.

 There I was, on the ferry to a short getaway from everything, and everyone. I was afraid of the sea motion. I was afraid of the waves. I was afraid of what I cannot handle. I was afraid of being alone. Yet, at the same time I was excited. I was excited about what this trip may bring. I was excited about the discoveries I may make during this trip. I was afraid of not having anyone to talk to. I was afraid of the nights that I will be alone in the room. Together with all these fears and uncertainties, I departed from SG. 

 On the ferry, there's an Indian dude who kept looking at me, as though he was hinting that he wants to talk to me. I smiled in return. He then settled down on the seat in front of me. He turned to look at me occasionally, and I stared at him, giving him the look of "yes, how can I help you?" Eventually, he mustered his courage and spoke to me. He asked "how long does it take to reach Bintan?" And I answered him. He then asked "what time is it now?" I answered. He then slowly turned his head around, and with the occasional glances over his shoulders. After we have arrived at our destination, we went on our separate ways. We bumped into each other again, and we exchanged smiles. This time round, we really went on our separate ways.

 From the time I arrived at the Bintan Resort Terminal, I was looking forward to another trip like Nirwana Garden's. I was looking forward to that kind of lifestyle, and environment. I felt that, being alone in that kind of environment will do me good. From the time I met my host who picked me up from the ferry terminal, I was really excited about this trip. I was wondering what could possibly be. I was excited about what I can do, and what will come across my mind. I was excited about having my alone time. 

 After traveling for an hour plus or so, I have finally arrived at my resort. It was very different from what I have expected it to be. It was a small scaled resort, and it was different from Nirwana Garden's. If I didn't remember it wrongly, the prices are about the same, but back then I have decided to be adventurous. I have decided to book this resort instead of a 4star hotel. Frankly speaking, there isn't much things around here. I feel lazy sitting around here. It was pouring when I got here. Then, it stopped. The only perks about this place is that the people are friendly, and it is a quiet place. There aren't too many guests, only a few groups here and there. Sadly, I'm the only solo traveller. Now I'm beginning to wonder, am I being too adventurous or did I just book the wrong resort?

 The view here was good though. I get to see the sea, and there is an outdoor jacuzzi here. The insects here are moderate, not too much, I guess, or maybe I just haven't met them yet. Here I am, sitting in the cafe, after finishing my seafood spaghetti. 

 I really have an affinity with flies. I found one in my spaghetti, and I still continued to finish up my spaghetti because I was too hungry. The fly didn't bother me that much after all. As I'm typing this entry, I'm so concerned about what I should have for dinner, and whether I can open the beer bottles which I have bought from the DFS earlier. 

 The sea is calm, and the air is still. I'm planning what I should do tomorrow. I'm certain I'm going to catch the sunrise, and I'm certain I will do my massage tomorrow. In addition, I'm certain I will soak myself in the outdoor jacuzzi. 

 I'm beginning to enjoy the peace, and serenity. Yes, I'm embracing the existence of the insects, I just hope things will turn out better. I may venture out tomorrow to the mall. It depends, but I'm not sure. And the dinner was great. It was filled with seafood. I think I'm gonna get high cholesterol. Do you enjoy seafood as much as I do? Did you travel alone before, and how was it like to travel alone? Do you have any interesting adventures to share with me too? Were you as adventurous, and did you indulge in life as much as I do? YOLO much maybe?

 xoxo,
Me

`beautiful delusions_
10:31 PM


<body>
Thursday, May 15, 2014

I have been wanting to do this series for quite sometime. I realized that I'm at the crossroad of uncertainty. There were insecurities (as usual), and there were several questions that I couldn't figure out the answers to. Probably this first entry is going to be about the beginning of the few changes in my life since those rebellious days. 

 One of the reasons as to why the urge to write is because I find it a little difficult to accept the fact that I am at this point of time, jobless. Some things never change all these years - my recklessness. I left my recent job without securing another one. I planned to go overseas, but due to some unforeseen circumstances, I had to stay in Singapore, and handle some work stuffs. This is a little depressing, but these issues keep my mind alive, and busy. 

 Previously, my entries were more of about my life, but they weren't so personal. They were more narrative. This time round, I am going to be bare about my thoughts, and emotions. I am going to record them down, like how they are. 

 Looking back, I'm surprised about how much I have changed, and how much the people around me have changed me. The changes were full of goodness, and self-discovery. Yet, some changes caused heartaches and self destruction. Life is just full of amazing rides. It can bring you down, and fly you up above into the universe. Life is about self discovery and healing. We love, we get hurt, we hurt, we heal, then we start all over again. Life is a cycle, but each cycle, there are variances. How do we handle these variances? I don't know. We are not born to adapt to changes easily. Physically, probably yes. Yet, we are tied to our emotions. Those feelings that we have, are dangerous because they are uncontrollable. Often, we are led by our emotions. We go with the flow, hoping that things will turn out better, and we do not have to do much about it. More often than not, things just don't go our way, because this is life.

 A couple of days ago, it was Mother's Day.. I cannot remember when was the last time I get to spend Mother's Day with my parents, together, and have dinner together. That was probably so long ago that I cannot remember at all. I started drifting from my parents since secondary school days. Yes, I hit puberty, and I was damn hell a mess. My parents couldn't handle me, but they did not send me to the girls' home. Thankfully they didn't, else I'm not sure if I will be able to accept that, and be a better person like how some of my friends are.

 Back in those years, there were screamings and shoutings in the house on any other day. Come to think about it, I really pity my neighbours, and I wonder why they are so tolerant, or it's just that the walls are rather thick. My parents were often shouting at each other, or at me. It was so common that if the house is too quiet, my neighbours might call the police and report the silence, worrying that somebody might have died. It was that bad. 

 I have seen both of them cry, for different reasons. Sometimes they cry because of me. I did hurt them real bad back then. No words could express their despair. It was so bad. Sometimes they would cry because of their own lives, looking back in their lives, they may have some regrets. These regrets become fresher, and reappear in their memory lane, bringing tears. Most of the times, I'm the one who triggered these. Yes, me. They may have hated me, but I know they did not. Although sometimes I wished they did, but that is just a saying. We are happy now, and that's all that matters. 

 During those rebellious days, I dated many many different people. More often than not, they are assholes. Yes, they are just typical players, who are going through puberty and are keen to explore the calls of their raging hormones with the opposite gender. When I wasn't keen to embark onto those little adventure, they left me behind. Well, I did honestly gave them my heart, and hoped for them to love me in return. They never did. 

 During that period of time, I was confused, and lost. Why wouldn't they not like me just because I was uninterested to explore their temples and mine together. It was something that I couldn't understand. I vent my frustrations by hurting my parents. I used to think that they don't love me at all. There were so much frustrations and angst building inside me. I met the wrong people, whom I thought were the best. They provided me a shelter when my parents throw me out of the house. They brought me out to play at arcades. We stayed out at void decks until the wee hours. They bought me food and alcohol. They protected me from "assholes" who wanted to break my heart. 

 Come to think about it, they weren't wrong. Their main objective was to protect me, and when we were young, we didn't know, nor care about the consequences. What we wanted was our friends to be happy. It was that simple. Although my relationship with my parents did not get better with my friends' assistance, I am still thankful for their presence in my life previously. They have tried their best to shelter me and protect me. Through them, I have also learnt some of the life lessons. 

 1) judge your friends. Yes, judge them, and if they are worth it, "stab 2 knives on the sides" (两肋插刀）
2) fight for what you believe in. Even if your believes are not accepted by the others, go for it because true friends will support you even though it's wrong. They will nag at you for the wrong decision / believes, but if you are still very adamant about it, they will support you (unless it's a stupid decision like dying, or killing your ex lover with a penknife. They will not let you die. They will buy you a chopper to kill your ex lover). 
3) have no regrets. When you are older, and when you look back, what will you regret most? Killing your ex lover, or live a life better than his? 

 With all these experiences and little adventures, I have learnt so much, and grow. All those advices, some are good, but some are just awfully bad advices (they gave me those horrible advices is because they just to make me feel better). 

 And those ex lovers? Yes, of course I have learnt so much about loving someone. I have learnt how to love someone, and how to allow others to love you. This is another entry for another time.

 Note: cheers to my friends who stood by me since those days. Cheers to the >5 years old friendships that we have. I love you guys. Let's have tea, and soft cakes when our teeth have all drop out. 

`beautiful delusions_
2:04 AM


<body>
Saturday, March 15, 2014

Sometimes we just need to go insane to stay sane.

 Eventually I have decided to leave my job. It was rather surprising, and I believe it did caught my boss by surprise. I saw how his face changed, and I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I don't know what to do. I was overwhelmed by emotions. I know, I have disappointed someone. Someone who spent the past year grooming me, entrusting me with tasks, and showing appreciation in all that I have done. I know I will never find another like that, like them. They are indeed the most patient bosses I have known, and also the kindest. They treated me like a human being, respecting me, giving me space to grow, grooming me, and teaching me. And yet, the outcome is that I have still decided to let them down.

 It wasn't an easy decision. I think I'm just like many others out there. We are cheap, in the way that we hurt people who cherish us the most. It's like cherishing us scares us most. Personally, I don't like that commitment, that amount of trust, and that high level of appreciation. I feel intimidated by their kindness. Yes, I'm cheap in a way that I don't know how to appreciate people who are genuinely nice and sincere to me.

 I don't know how to put it across to them. Like "I'm sorry bosses, you guys are too nice for me. I feel that I can never repay you guys in any way. I'm beginning to feel like a liability to the company, and I feel very much responsible for not being to train the 3 newcomers the way you guys expected me to". Having said these, I feel rather useless. I feel bad about staying in the company. I feel bad because I have tried my best to generate more revenue for the company, but I cannot. And I feel bad because I have nothing more to give. I feel drained.. 

 I know that outside, I am going to suffer because employers will exploit their employees, squeezing them dry with that fixed amount of salary that they are paying. They are buying their employees. It is sad but it is true. I will most likely find myself in a dog eat dog society, and probably ended up with more bruises, and misery. Yet, I have chosen this path, to explore outside, leaving the safe and secured zone. It wasn't an easy decision, but I have decided..

 Some things just don't change-I run away, whenever I feel that I have nothing more to give. I run away when I feel that I don't deserve the goodness that were blessed upon me. I run away when I'm beginning to feel very attached to someone/place. 

 I have no idea how things will turn out to be, and I may regret one day. There is no turning back, he said. And I nodded with tears streaming down my face. 

`beautiful delusions_
12:53 AM


<body>
Saturday, February 22, 2014

I feel the need to be connected with myself again.

 Life, it can be so unpredictable at times. At times you do know what you want, and times you don't. Even when you are uncertain, at times you will go all out to find that certainty. At times you just allow yourself to hang there.

 I had the urge to just lie on someone's shoulder. I had the urge to want to get away from everyone and everything. I had the urge to want to feel safe. And I had the urge to try something new.

 And every now and then I kept telling myself, I have to stay sane. I have to stay focused. I have to curb myself, and prevent myself from falling apart. Sometimes I feel so dark, but it just have to bring myself together and not wallow in those thoughts. I need to be in control of those overwhelming emotions. I just have to.

`beautiful delusions_
12:03 PM


<body>
Friday, October 25, 2013

When you have lost a big part of you, it is a bigger challenge to stay sane.

 I like quiet moments with time to myself. It's like there is no need to put on any form of expressions on my face. There is no need to strike a conversation, nor to maintain it. Right now it seems like the world has stopped, and it has stopped around me. I now own time, and there isn't a need to please anybody or to not be me.

 Sometimes I feel so disconnected from myself that I do not know how to feel happy. I feel lost about the source of my happiness. My emotions are so still that it's like they do not even exist. I feel so still that there is a tinge of sadness. I'm not too sure where did this tinge of sadness comes from. Did it come from work? Did it come from family? Did it come from the boyfriend? Did it come from any other external sources. I have been asking myself over and over. In the end, I feel even more unhappy.

 I do not how to get rid of this tinge of unhappiness. I have done things that usually perks me up - ice cream; YouTube; junk food; happy food; sleeping. I have done it all, even to the extend of doing nothing. I still feel the darkness lingering. The worst part is that I do not know where did it come from...

 I do feel like a wooden plank, rafting through the ocean. Sometimes it's a little rough, and it makes me sick. Sometimes it's gentle wave will bring me around the ocean. In the end, I still do not know where my destination is. I am just floating around the ocean, going with the flow of the waves. I am just there, out there in the ocean. I feel like a wooden plank because I'm just floating around aimlessly. I'm not hanging on to anything. I'm not aware of where I heading to. It feels a little haunting.

 Yet now, I guess the only way to perk myself up is to update my playlist. It's outdated, and there aren't many of my new favorites in it. It is annoying. 

 Probably I shouldn't have. It made me look weak. And I hated that, because that tear-stained face is now imprinted in your memories. 

 It is a challenge to stay sane at times when I'm like this. I'm still struggling. I'm trying to hear what my little voice has to say. I'm trying to listen to me..

`beautiful delusions_
11:12 PM


<body>
Tuesday, October 15, 2013

14th October 2013, 7.08pm

 An evening at Antoinette, alone

 With the soft French music playing in the background, I ordered a pot of caramel creme, their signature Antoinette, and Angelic. It is just so marvelous.. I mean, a pleasant evening, with nice tea, and nice cakes. 

 From my seat, I watch the sun setting. Occasionally, vehicles will pass by, and random strangers walking past. The waiter was really nice as he was recommending me cakes, and he sure does provide great service. I enjoy being here. It is like a time for myself, undisturbed.

 Angelic is indeed living up to its name. The soft and fluffy texture of the cake. It has a tinge of raspberry between the layers, and there, in the middle is the chocolate crunch. The combination is close to perfect. The outer white chocolate wrapped itself around the fluffy sponge. The sponge is so fluffy and soft that it immediately melts in my mouth, together with the white chocolate. It's like a perfect combination. The chocolate crunch blended in so well that it brings out the sweetness of the raspberry, reducing its natural sourness. It is then finished off with 2 little marshmallows on top. Perfecto.

 Needless to say, Antoinette is still the one in the limelight. She's fully coated with dark chocolate, around the chocolate moose. It's perfect for chocolate lovers like me. The simple and plain outlook is does not verify or express its taste. Although simple, it sure looks classy and elegant. The taste itself is amazing. You get to taste the dark chocolate that is not too dull, but has that tinge of sweetness in it.

 After all the sweet cakes, the tea is perfect in neutralizing the tastes, and cleansing your mouth with its mildly sweet taste. It rinses your taste buds to savor another cake. It makes you feel more refreshed, collecting your thoughts, and readjusting your every single taste buds.

 Sometimes I think life is like this. You are tired of the rat race, of the chase, so you find a comfortable place to settle down, to take a break. I guess, that's when you realize the wonderful things in life are that simple - nice cakes and tea. I'm amazed, by how I enjoy this alone time, savoring the wonders of this little cafe. Life is perfecto at this point of time. Soft music playing in the background, and having the entire cafe to yourself. How I wish this moment is forever, like maybe not forever but for a long long time. 

 As I'm typing this, I kinda imagine myself to be in a cafe of a foreign country, enjoying my evening, embracing the nightfall. As night falls, the vehicles on the streets are rushing elsewhere, away from work. The pace here has slowed down, and I do feel myself relaxing, even when I see the vehicles out there rushing to their destination. 

 Uh.... Let me enjoy this peace and serenity while it lasts. Let me gather some thoughts to myself. Let me hear my little voice speak again.. Let my little voice give compliments to this cafe, it's service, the cakes, the tea, and the tranquility that the cafe brings.. 

`beautiful delusions_
5:11 PM


JOANNE __;
Photobucket
leo/horse `
very random and unpredictable (prolly weird) `

[loves lub] *
family `
loved ones `
everyone `


[wish] *
# family happy n peaceful n healthy (:
# everyone around me to be happy

# get a class 3 license
# Better job!


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