Saturday, October 22, 2011
I had so much to write about. I even drafted the post in my head previously. Now, I'm at a lost. I think the words have vanished somewhere along with the thoughts...
"The hardest person whom I've to convince is not my parents, not my boyfriend, not my friends, not my colleagues, not my school mates, not any stranger. It's myself." - Me
`beautiful delusions_
1:56 PM
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Thursday, October 20, 2011
Well oh well, at this hour, I'm supposed to be studying for my upcoming papers, which will be on this Sunday. Although it's an open-book examination, it certainly did add on a certain of stress into me.
I've been to interviews recently, looking for a part time job. Well, expenses are getting higher, and in fact, I think they're higher when I'm attached (or sort of). I've no idea where I'm spending my money. I guess it's the occasional pampering which I'll tend to shower upon myself whenever there're a few extra dollars. There, it resulted in lesser savings. Well, I don't know man.
Tonight, I'm feeling a little stressed, over nothing. Probably it's the same kinda emptiness that envelops me, and filling my colourful night with darkness. I guess the time of the month is coming. I just don't like this kinda emptiness, together with a tinge of security. This is the time whereby I dislike being a girl. Yes, I just said that, disregarding all the other privileges that I've for being a girl (like I'm allowed to throw tantrums, step on people and apologize with my brightest smile, etc). However, at times I dislike being me. You see, I'm always so insecure, and so paranoid over little things.. There're many things which I do not understand, about how guys do their things, and stuffs. When I do not understand, I feel insecure. I get paranoid when I find out things which does not tally with whatever info I've received.
I'm feeling outta sorts tonight, and at this very moment. I think I need to rant, over a shot.
p.s I love neighbour for being one of the few men who understand me (:
p.p.s I still think it's the time of the month that's coming. Thus my utmost mood-swings and random rants.
p.p.p.s I still enjoy being a girl though (so many privileges come with it. LOL.)
`beautiful delusions_
11:45 PM
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Monday, October 17, 2011
I should be studying.. Uh wells... Distractions. Blah. I just kept thinking about the things I'm gonna do when I'm done with exams... WOOTS.
`beautiful delusions_
5:26 PM
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Saturday, October 15, 2011
It's been close to a month since the trip. There were so many things going on after the trip- arguments, accusations, scoldings, bitchings. After many days and nights of reflections, thoughts, and so on, I've decided to write down this post.
First of all, I would like to clarify 2 things. Not sure if Domo (my ex gf) will chance upon this post, but I just feel the need to. I'm not someone who will stand by and watch someone accusing me. Back to the point, I did not mention anything about Domo's friend touching me during the trip. Look, I know my figures. If I've a voluptuous figure with big boobs, maybe the touching might have some justice to it but the thing I don't. So why should the friend touch me if she's in her right state of mind? Supporting my above point with another point, the both of them are friends, so why should I say such things like that to Domo? For them to argue and fall out during the trip? For them to kill each other so I have to make a report and bring their corpses back? No reason, isn't it? Conclusion of issue 1: I DID NOT say that Domo's friend touched my boobs.
Now, there's another issue. Domo was accusing me of saying how fucked up she was during the trip. Check out my previous posts, did I legitimately mention anything? All I ever mentioned was how much I miss home, how much I miss my family, friends, and boyf. Was I wrong to blog about such things in the first place? Was I wrong to feel so lonely in the hotel room, when I was sick? Was I wrong in the above mentioned scenarios? I strongly believe I'm not in the wrong. Conclusion for point 2: I DID NOT mention how fucked up she was, unless she had to feel that way, I can't help it isn't it?
Now, there's another issue- I'm a slut/whore/bitch. Okay, I've no rights to comment on Domo's personal opinion of me, but I've the rights to clarify it. I may used to be a slut/whore/bitch, but trust me, nobody has ever called me that. Well, probably my mom, when she found out that I was together with Domo. You know, parents and their conservative thinking about lesbianism. So, I was a slut when I was together with Domo. Now, I'm no longer with Domo, Domo herself thinks I'm a slut? What? I'm confused. I did not sleep around. Did I mention that I kinda love myself a little more after leaving Domo? Yeah, I've learnt to love myself a little more. So it's definitely outta the point that I've been sleeping around. If so, I think I might not be able to close my legs. LOL.
And now, Domo was accusing me for being the cause of her plight/new life. She's determined to fool around, and go around breaking people's hearts. Say, I don't know what else to say. She's forever breaking people's hearts even when she's not a player. So, what difference does it make? No difference. And why am I the cause for it? Did I happen to teach her to be one? Did I happen to expose her to alcohol and girls? Did I happen to get her indulged in those night clubs? I certainly did not. It's all her own decision, isn't it? If it's because she thought I'm a slut, and that there's no more true love, and that she should go around breaking people's hearts to get even, I don't see the link here. Honestly, what is she gonna get outta this? Nothing. What does she has to lose? Everything. So there, my point.
Last but not least, I should be honoured 'cuz its her first time hating someone to this extend, and I'm the one. WOW. I seriously have no idea what have I done to be on her hate list. Her ex gf (let's call her parrot), and her ex date (let's call her star girl) are both horrible to her. I mean, look, they've hurt Domo so bad, but Domo is always there for them. Yeah, to the extend of neglecting me when we were both still together. So what exactly have I done to be the champion of the "hate list." Can someone enlighten me? Does the list works in such a way that "oh, you're treating me better than anyone else has ever does, so I hate you. Those who treated me like shit, are my gems." Is that how it works, seriously?
Nonetheless, it's like an omen. Yeah, the stars ink are fading away after so many years, and yeah, at this point of time! In any case, the stars don't belong to me in the first place anyway for Domo likes stars because of star girl, and down the chain effect, it's me. I inked it 'cuz Domo likes it. It's fate I guess, it has all been planned... Uh wells... I've met my karma, and that's Domo. Ups and downs, and all the emotional rides...
xoxo
`beautiful delusions_
4:04 PM
