Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Dieeeeeeeeeeee. I'm stuck with my PCA, why like that?! :<
`beautiful delusions_
10:28 PM
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Wednesday, November 23, 2011
There she was, sitting and holding on tightly to him. She felt his tears soaking her skin bit by bit, layers by layers into her skin. She felt his body tremble as he was tearing silently, almost like a whimper from a puppy. She was at a loss, and all she did was to apologize to him, murmuring "I'm so sorry" in his ears constantly. It all happened too fast for her to react, but all she know was that she has hurt him, not only physically but emotionally as well. Her heart started wrenching as though someone was squeezing it so tightly, and that she couldn't breathe. Tears began streaming down her cheeks, vivid memories fill her mind..
"What the hell?! You were damn free is it? There I was slogging my guts out, and you had the mood to go kbox?!"
"What're you angry about this time? Was I wrong to even go out with my friends? Do you know that you're getting more and more petty?!"
"What?! There I was working like a dog, and all you said was that you were tired, then end up you wanna head out?!"
"So what if you worked till 5am in the morning?! You.."
"SO WHAT IF I WORKED TILL 5am in the morning?! Why the fuck am I working so hard for?! Waiting for you to feed me and support me is it?! You can't even support yourself!"
"Oh, so now I'm the one who's suppose to support you and not your own mom?!"
"Ya la, I worked so hard for NOTHING. I worked like a dog with merely 3hours of sleep every night for what?!!! You tell..."
"Can you just listen to.."
"You don't fucking break my sentence whilst I was telling you about how I'm feeling! You don't fucking pin me down like a dog! I'm not your dog!!!"
Silence stepped in and a tussle broke loose. In her memory recollection, he was trying to pin her down. She retaliated by grabbing onto his arms with her nails, trying to break free. They were glaring straight into each others' eyes, as though they were strangers picking a fight with one another. He then throw himself towards her, hopping that she would embrace him instead of continuing the argument. She was at a loss.
How did things turn out this way? How did the argument get so ugly, that it simply blocked out the love that both of them share? His tears brought her own self back, his tears seemed to extinguish the burning anger within her. At this point, she knew, things have gotten out of hand and that her demonic emotions have once ruled her whole.
She was holding him tight in her bosom, stroking his head gently, telling him how sorry she was. He refused to look up, all he did was to hold onto her tightly, with his silent whimpers. Thoughts were filling up her mind. Insecurities have once took control of her.
"When your guy is not by your side, he's no longer yours to hold. He has legs, he can run away. He has hands, he can hold another whilst you weren't around."
"Shut up! Stop it, you've done enough damage...... You've, done enough damage."
"Isn't that the fact? Look at your perfect. Wasn't that the case? Whilst you were asleep in the wee hours, she'd sneak out to meet her ex gf or another girls. Nobody'll be that faithful, EVER. Stop being so naive."
"STOP. He's different from her! He loves me. Stop forcing these insecurities into me. STOP."
It was another endless battle within her. She has hurt him so bad. Half-filled with sympathy for the hurt she has caused, half-filled with the heart-felt pain she has inflicted into him, she sobs uncontrollably. She began blaming herself, and she knew from the start that it wasn't a big issue to be so angry about. She just couldn't control her emotions, once more.
Staring at her lover who was wrapping himself around her, with tears slowly penetrating her clothes to her skin, she felt so lost, and so filled with anguish. This boy here, is her lover, someone whom she loves so much, yet she made him cry. Just what have she done, to hurt the one she loves so much, so badly. He looked so torn, so hurt, and so frightened..
She was so afraid that one day she might drive him up the wall, and drive him crazy as well. She was so afraid that he might not be able to take the emotional pressure from her. She was so afraid of hurting him so badly once more. She felt so guilty for putting him through this emotional abuse, because of her illness.
Once the whimpering and sobbing stopped, she placed her head on his chest. He was stroking her head gently, like how she did to him when he had his tears moisturizing her skin. She began tearing uncontrollably once again. In between sobs, she kept apologizing him, for putting him through this pain that he doesn't deserve.
Many times she tried controlling her emotions, but like demons, they lured her self-conscious away, finding their way into her, and took full control. He kept telling her it's alright, and continued brushing her hair gently, wiping away her tears.
She knew, it's not the end of the cycle if she doesn't get strong enough to fight against herself...
`beautiful delusions_
3:47 PM
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Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I sat in front of my laptop, wondering why is it running so slowly; wondering how long will it take to upload all the photos on facebook; wondering if I should send this antique for repair as it's fan is spoilt.
Music is playing in the background, from the laptop, and my mind's elsewhere. Sometimes, on nights like this, I like to do a little bit of reflection- thinking about what have been happening, about the choices I've made in my life so far, and things like that.
So far, I kinda have livid memories about what had happened. So far, I'm still contented, still happy with the way things are even though at times things just fucked up. In fact, things just screw me up inside out several times, but I'm glad I'm still cool. Uh wells, shall do a literature essay when I feel like it. For now, I just wanna chill to alternatives and ice water.
XOXO
`beautiful delusions_
12:05 AM
