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Wednesday, May 21, 2014
A letter to my future husband.
Dear future husband,
I wonder how are you doing? Today, on the 20th May 2014, I'm actually alone in a spa resort. This place is filled with friendly employees, and families, or friends who are traveling together. This is actually my first trip alone, and I thought it did be fun. It's not exactly that fun per se, but it is quiet, and comfortable. It is a little too peaceful here. I do feel alone because there are no solo travelers here except for myself. I wonder, where are the other solo travelers are.. Let me share with you my adventures for today.
From the time I have left Tanah Merah Ferry terminal, I know there's no turning back. I had to survive the days on my own, and find out what I'm really seeking for. There were so much uncertainties about the future. I hear ringing bells in my head about the possible decisions that I could have make.
There I was, on the ferry to a short getaway from everything, and everyone. I was afraid of the sea motion. I was afraid of the waves. I was afraid of what I cannot handle. I was afraid of being alone. Yet, at the same time I was excited. I was excited about what this trip may bring. I was excited about the discoveries I may make during this trip. I was afraid of not having anyone to talk to. I was afraid of the nights that I will be alone in the room. Together with all these fears and uncertainties, I departed from SG.
On the ferry, there's an Indian dude who kept looking at me, as though he was hinting that he wants to talk to me. I smiled in return. He then settled down on the seat in front of me. He turned to look at me occasionally, and I stared at him, giving him the look of "yes, how can I help you?" Eventually, he mustered his courage and spoke to me. He asked "how long does it take to reach Bintan?" And I answered him. He then asked "what time is it now?" I answered. He then slowly turned his head around, and with the occasional glances over his shoulders. After we have arrived at our destination, we went on our separate ways. We bumped into each other again, and we exchanged smiles. This time round, we really went on our separate ways.
From the time I arrived at the Bintan Resort Terminal, I was looking forward to another trip like Nirwana Garden's. I was looking forward to that kind of lifestyle, and environment. I felt that, being alone in that kind of environment will do me good. From the time I met my host who picked me up from the ferry terminal, I was really excited about this trip. I was wondering what could possibly be. I was excited about what I can do, and what will come across my mind. I was excited about having my alone time.
After traveling for an hour plus or so, I have finally arrived at my resort. It was very different from what I have expected it to be. It was a small scaled resort, and it was different from Nirwana Garden's. If I didn't remember it wrongly, the prices are about the same, but back then I have decided to be adventurous. I have decided to book this resort instead of a 4star hotel. Frankly speaking, there isn't much things around here. I feel lazy sitting around here. It was pouring when I got here. Then, it stopped. The only perks about this place is that the people are friendly, and it is a quiet place. There aren't too many guests, only a few groups here and there. Sadly, I'm the only solo traveller. Now I'm beginning to wonder, am I being too adventurous or did I just book the wrong resort?
The view here was good though. I get to see the sea, and there is an outdoor jacuzzi here. The insects here are moderate, not too much, I guess, or maybe I just haven't met them yet. Here I am, sitting in the cafe, after finishing my seafood spaghetti.
I really have an affinity with flies. I found one in my spaghetti, and I still continued to finish up my spaghetti because I was too hungry. The fly didn't bother me that much after all. As I'm typing this entry, I'm so concerned about what I should have for dinner, and whether I can open the beer bottles which I have bought from the DFS earlier.
The sea is calm, and the air is still. I'm planning what I should do tomorrow. I'm certain I'm going to catch the sunrise, and I'm certain I will do my massage tomorrow. In addition, I'm certain I will soak myself in the outdoor jacuzzi.
I'm beginning to enjoy the peace, and serenity. Yes, I'm embracing the existence of the insects, I just hope things will turn out better. I may venture out tomorrow to the mall. It depends, but I'm not sure. And the dinner was great. It was filled with seafood. I think I'm gonna get high cholesterol. Do you enjoy seafood as much as I do? Did you travel alone before, and how was it like to travel alone? Do you have any interesting adventures to share with me too? Were you as adventurous, and did you indulge in life as much as I do? YOLO much maybe?
xoxo,
Me
`beautiful delusions_
10:31 PM
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Thursday, May 15, 2014
I have been wanting to do this series for quite sometime. I realized that I'm at the crossroad of uncertainty. There were insecurities (as usual), and there were several questions that I couldn't figure out the answers to. Probably this first entry is going to be about the beginning of the few changes in my life since those rebellious days.
One of the reasons as to why the urge to write is because I find it a little difficult to accept the fact that I am at this point of time, jobless. Some things never change all these years - my recklessness. I left my recent job without securing another one. I planned to go overseas, but due to some unforeseen circumstances, I had to stay in Singapore, and handle some work stuffs. This is a little depressing, but these issues keep my mind alive, and busy.
Previously, my entries were more of about my life, but they weren't so personal. They were more narrative. This time round, I am going to be bare about my thoughts, and emotions. I am going to record them down, like how they are.
Looking back, I'm surprised about how much I have changed, and how much the people around me have changed me. The changes were full of goodness, and self-discovery. Yet, some changes caused heartaches and self destruction. Life is just full of amazing rides. It can bring you down, and fly you up above into the universe. Life is about self discovery and healing. We love, we get hurt, we hurt, we heal, then we start all over again. Life is a cycle, but each cycle, there are variances. How do we handle these variances? I don't know. We are not born to adapt to changes easily. Physically, probably yes. Yet, we are tied to our emotions. Those feelings that we have, are dangerous because they are uncontrollable. Often, we are led by our emotions. We go with the flow, hoping that things will turn out better, and we do not have to do much about it. More often than not, things just don't go our way, because this is life.
A couple of days ago, it was Mother's Day.. I cannot remember when was the last time I get to spend Mother's Day with my parents, together, and have dinner together. That was probably so long ago that I cannot remember at all. I started drifting from my parents since secondary school days. Yes, I hit puberty, and I was damn hell a mess. My parents couldn't handle me, but they did not send me to the girls' home. Thankfully they didn't, else I'm not sure if I will be able to accept that, and be a better person like how some of my friends are.
Back in those years, there were screamings and shoutings in the house on any other day. Come to think about it, I really pity my neighbours, and I wonder why they are so tolerant, or it's just that the walls are rather thick. My parents were often shouting at each other, or at me. It was so common that if the house is too quiet, my neighbours might call the police and report the silence, worrying that somebody might have died. It was that bad.
I have seen both of them cry, for different reasons. Sometimes they cry because of me. I did hurt them real bad back then. No words could express their despair. It was so bad. Sometimes they would cry because of their own lives, looking back in their lives, they may have some regrets. These regrets become fresher, and reappear in their memory lane, bringing tears. Most of the times, I'm the one who triggered these. Yes, me. They may have hated me, but I know they did not. Although sometimes I wished they did, but that is just a saying. We are happy now, and that's all that matters.
During those rebellious days, I dated many many different people. More often than not, they are assholes. Yes, they are just typical players, who are going through puberty and are keen to explore the calls of their raging hormones with the opposite gender. When I wasn't keen to embark onto those little adventure, they left me behind. Well, I did honestly gave them my heart, and hoped for them to love me in return. They never did.
During that period of time, I was confused, and lost. Why wouldn't they not like me just because I was uninterested to explore their temples and mine together. It was something that I couldn't understand. I vent my frustrations by hurting my parents. I used to think that they don't love me at all. There were so much frustrations and angst building inside me. I met the wrong people, whom I thought were the best. They provided me a shelter when my parents throw me out of the house. They brought me out to play at arcades. We stayed out at void decks until the wee hours. They bought me food and alcohol. They protected me from "assholes" who wanted to break my heart.
Come to think about it, they weren't wrong. Their main objective was to protect me, and when we were young, we didn't know, nor care about the consequences. What we wanted was our friends to be happy. It was that simple. Although my relationship with my parents did not get better with my friends' assistance, I am still thankful for their presence in my life previously. They have tried their best to shelter me and protect me. Through them, I have also learnt some of the life lessons.
1) judge your friends. Yes, judge them, and if they are worth it, "stab 2 knives on the sides" (两肋插刀）
2) fight for what you believe in. Even if your believes are not accepted by the others, go for it because true friends will support you even though it's wrong. They will nag at you for the wrong decision / believes, but if you are still very adamant about it, they will support you (unless it's a stupid decision like dying, or killing your ex lover with a penknife. They will not let you die. They will buy you a chopper to kill your ex lover).
3) have no regrets. When you are older, and when you look back, what will you regret most? Killing your ex lover, or live a life better than his?
With all these experiences and little adventures, I have learnt so much, and grow. All those advices, some are good, but some are just awfully bad advices (they gave me those horrible advices is because they just to make me feel better).
And those ex lovers? Yes, of course I have learnt so much about loving someone. I have learnt how to love someone, and how to allow others to love you. This is another entry for another time.
Note: cheers to my friends who stood by me since those days. Cheers to the >5 years old friendships that we have. I love you guys. Let's have tea, and soft cakes when our teeth have all drop out.
`beautiful delusions_
2:04 AM
