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Saturday, March 15, 2014
Sometimes we just need to go insane to stay sane.
Eventually I have decided to leave my job. It was rather surprising, and I believe it did caught my boss by surprise. I saw how his face changed, and I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I don't know what to do. I was overwhelmed by emotions. I know, I have disappointed someone. Someone who spent the past year grooming me, entrusting me with tasks, and showing appreciation in all that I have done. I know I will never find another like that, like them. They are indeed the most patient bosses I have known, and also the kindest. They treated me like a human being, respecting me, giving me space to grow, grooming me, and teaching me. And yet, the outcome is that I have still decided to let them down.
It wasn't an easy decision. I think I'm just like many others out there. We are cheap, in the way that we hurt people who cherish us the most. It's like cherishing us scares us most. Personally, I don't like that commitment, that amount of trust, and that high level of appreciation. I feel intimidated by their kindness. Yes, I'm cheap in a way that I don't know how to appreciate people who are genuinely nice and sincere to me.
I don't know how to put it across to them. Like "I'm sorry bosses, you guys are too nice for me. I feel that I can never repay you guys in any way. I'm beginning to feel like a liability to the company, and I feel very much responsible for not being to train the 3 newcomers the way you guys expected me to". Having said these, I feel rather useless. I feel bad about staying in the company. I feel bad because I have tried my best to generate more revenue for the company, but I cannot. And I feel bad because I have nothing more to give. I feel drained..
I know that outside, I am going to suffer because employers will exploit their employees, squeezing them dry with that fixed amount of salary that they are paying. They are buying their employees. It is sad but it is true. I will most likely find myself in a dog eat dog society, and probably ended up with more bruises, and misery. Yet, I have chosen this path, to explore outside, leaving the safe and secured zone. It wasn't an easy decision, but I have decided..
Some things just don't change-I run away, whenever I feel that I have nothing more to give. I run away when I feel that I don't deserve the goodness that were blessed upon me. I run away when I'm beginning to feel very attached to someone/place.
I have no idea how things will turn out to be, and I may regret one day. There is no turning back, he said. And I nodded with tears streaming down my face.
`beautiful delusions_
12:53 AM
