Sunday, April 5, 2009
Waking up at 9 am is a rare thing for me to do on a Sunday. Awaken by the chirps of the birds outside my unit, I thought what was the happy chirping about when there's nothing for me to rejoice about. Despite the contradictory mood, I did not spoil the "chirping-mood" of those little feathers.
I took my chair and sat by the window for hours, observing the tiny-looking people below from my unit, and the activities that were ongoing then. Thousands of questions and memories were going through my mind. I do not need a good view of the ocean or forest as I will still be feeling pretty much indifferent, with so many things racing across my mind is enough to block any possible distractions.
As tiny as those people seemed, they were all rushing in groups: Be it laughter from family gathering, fighting amongst children, or rushing adults to the market to buy breakfast for their family. Soon, the sky turned grey and the adults were rushing their kids to hurry while the kids were still enjoying themselves in the midst of "chaos". I have no idea how to have the feelings written down, but, it was just mixed emotions- the panicky adults, and the playful but happy kids. Yes, it was a contrast. It'd made me wonder if the kids will still be this cheerful & playful even when it has started pouring, or will the adults still be as panicky, or worse, when it starts to pour..
I was trying to divert my thoughts elsewhere by observing other things. It's better off this way, for at least, it can take the pain away, for a while. I felt like a balloon that's about to explode, soon. Yes, it was a terrible feeling, ever since last night. So far, nothing has been able to stop the storm that has found its way to my little pumper. Yes, nothing. Not even candies/chocolates/cartoons can do the mending..
It started to drizzle around noon, and my vision was even more blurred than ever.. I never thought that losing you, would hurt so much. I never thought that not having you around, will make me feel so incomplete. It's gonna be a final goodbye, for a long time. So long that I know, even when I'm facing the downs in my life, you won't be around anymore. You promised that you'll continue watching me from afar, except that you'll be beyond my reach this time round, just like "hidden angel".
I'm sorry for the things and rides that I put you through.
I'm thankful for all the times that you stood by me,
and holding on to your promises.
I have no idea to be angry with you for the stupid things you've done,
or to feel otherwise.
Since you've made the move back then,
you know that this day will come.
In any case, I'll hold on to the promises that I made to you.
Come back soon, for me, okay?
I've never once given up on you,
and you can't make me.
Yours, truly,
Little girl.
xoxos.
`beautiful delusions_
3:47 PM
