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Saturday, March 7, 2009
this is the post, which i will dedicate to you.
wells, i have no idea where should i start from, but, let's just start from the reasons why i chose to leave. i mean, there're several reasons and i won't deny that your ex is one of the main reason as well.
for the past few month + weeks, i wont deny that i was really happy, being together with you. i hate to say this, but i do lack of the sense of security. it was like, we were just dating rather than be in an relationship. things were fine before we got together as it was super uber sweet, and real. then, things started to morph into something crappy when you first shut me out by breaking my thoughts and asked me to stop thinking about things. i mean, i wouldn't think about a single thing, if things were clear, and if we weren't an item. that was when, i began to slowly drift my thoughts away from you.
you know, initially i didn't mind/give a hoot about your ex contacting you, till things got rather scary when she called you on that particular Sunday night, with a fucking unreasonable request. it was fucking crappy, i tell you. right, i was hoping that you might drift away from her, since she made that request. yet, things were the same the next day morning. i remember, i was on my way to school for exam, and then we exchange texts, and you said this "baby, i just want her to be happy. will you please let me help her? (well, for readers, that girl and her partner were not on good terms, and her partner is pretty much a whore 'cuz the partner kinda abuses that girl)" at that point of time, my mind was just full of vulgarities, cursing here and there. i didn't say a word after that. i wasn't even sure if i could take that down, so i kept quiet. i mean, as an outsider, i didn't want to watch her get abuse/etc, but, as your gf, i have every rights to feel pissed and fucked up. oh wells, but it was 'cuz you "please" me, which you hardly did, and i gave in.
things dragged on and on, and i decided to move on with my life. yeaps, going out with my friends, hanging out, and do anything/everything but to meet you. i didn't know how to face you, without being angry! i mean, bloody hell, first, you shut me out, and next, you were like meeting your ex almost every night. often, i told myself "let it be. you do love me, its just that you suck balls at expressing it out." - self consolation. been avoiding these issues for as long as i can, till that Thursday. hell broke loose.
that Thursday, she came as well. when you told me about it, i was still home and i do have the urge to just stay home till you tell me that she's leaving. fuck it, 'cuz i dragged my rock-like-heavy feet outta my house and went ahead to meet you. i took a slow walk to the bus stop, and then from the interchange, to the station. my heart was clashing and i would seriously,and happily stab myself if i could. fucking shit.
and that night, i wanna go off early, but things cropped up, and i teared like some bitch. i was angry with you, but i felt lost/upset when you were unhappy about me leaving early to go club. see, i was still at the loosing end! fuck. that night was like some sort of drama for many who stood and watch the show (after clubbing). we manage to sort things out, a little, and i forced myself to accept what you said, and start anew with you. that night was hell as my mom came down, and things happened. right..
anyway, the next day, i met you up, and we did chat a little regarding the previous night's issues. my mom's the same, she didn't nag at me lesser/what. as a matter of fact, she nags more (LOL). and back to "us" , i was thinking through things, like seriously. 'cuz i don't feel like i was your gf, back then. i didn't want to end, but my heart strayed/drifted. it drifted further when you said the same damn thing again "will you just stop thinking?" and you went on saying things like "ya, i seriously love you, and only want you" but sugar, i don't see it, and i can only feel it at times. its a on-and-off thing. probably 'cuz i drifted myself from you quite sometime ago, thus, i cant feel it.
after thinking about things for the whole day, i have decided, to leave. i don't see a point in continuing as well. i don't see why am i attached when you're pretty much single, till you feel like telling.
in any case, i wont deny that its pretty much my fault as well. 'cuz of my playful-ness and bad handling of issues, i allow things to drag on. apart from that, i don't deny the fact that at times, i can be pretty much "appearing ok" and not say a word. this is my bad, for not expressing myself well enough back then. oh wells, in any case, i suppose, this is the kinda closure you were waiting for, i guess. I'm sorry, but i didn't feel secure enough. I'm sorry, but i allow myself to mess up my thoughts and flow along with them.
-end of closure-
`beautiful delusions_
12:47 PM
