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Monday, December 22, 2008
This is gonna be my last post of 2008. Rather, this is gonna be the last proper post that is going to wrap up 2008, for me (: Wells, unless I have short entries to post, with photos (: And no worries, my dear ones, this will still be my official blog, so yeahs, I'm not abandoning this blog lahs ((:
Firstly, I have several confessions and issues to clear. I think it'll be better, as it will wrap up this year, with a clearer agenda. Here goes nothing :
1. All these while in my life, I have been facing some issues with my life. Be it family or relationship wise, there has been some issues going on. Thus, the avoiding, the hiding, and the running away..
2. I was and am still single ever since that fateful day. And no, i did not fall for anyone new all these while. The people whom i have mentioned anonymously indirectly, are friends, close friends, best friends who have been with me all these while. Yes, they are people who stood by me, and who spur me on. And no, none of them are my flings or part-time lovers or what so ever. Its just pure genuine friends love and concern. I love my friends for they're the ones who stood by me and make things work. And yes, I do love them, and the years of friendships are evidence! (:
3. Though I didn't say anything, that doesn't mean I'm not thinking things through. Though I didn't mention much about me being depress/blah, that doesn't mean i did not shed a tear, and neither does it mean I'm perfectly alright. Though i appeared cold and icy, it doesn't mean I'm not feeling anything.
4. Yes, i did hate you* so much when i found out things myself, rather than you* telling me yourself. I once said, if i were to find someone new, i will tell you. And you* said, you* would as well. Little did i know, you* didn't, and you* never did, till things became clearer via those online portals. For once, yes, once, I hated you* and the hatred went kinda way too deep that I deleted you* off my list. It also went off to the extend that how I wish i can just stab you* and let you* die. (lol) uhs, I felt kinda..how should I put it, erms, felt kinda surprised, in a bad way. Nonetheless, I do not hate you* now. It's more of like a..neutral kind of feeling. Since i was like saying and kept telling you* to move on and blah which doesn't matter now. In any case, I'm not being sarcastic or what so ever, but I really sincerely wish you* all the best (: Like really... Make the love last, forever,literally (: And I'm glad things did work out better for you, in a happier way..
5. I began to think and feel that I'm not who i thought myself to be. uhs, let's just put it this way. I'm built of insecurities. I have no idea what i really want in my life and I'm always feeling insecure and lost, myself. I even doubted myself as time goes by.. As i said, I'm made of insecurities, so how can i ever secure or assure my partner? Apart from that, I can never ever give my partner "forever" due to my situation. I have responsibilities to fulfil. This i realised, and i lost myself even deeper than i thought.
6. I did alot of self-reflections and thinking during this one week of hols after my exams. I started thinking about my future, my responsibilities, and my life. Uhs, whilst thinking, i suppose i was too immersed in my thoughts that, i went kinda hay-wired. *raise an eyebrow* yes, i went sorta crazy. Indulging in the wrong kind of things, thinking of every possible way to sin and break free. I thought i can break free by numbing myself, and avoiding everything for awhile. I was wrong. hell wrong..
uhs, i suppose that's all for confessions/clearing of air. moving on to part 2 of this lengthy post (:
Firstly, i wanna thank my dear ones and loved ones who stood by me, helping me to get up on my feet, and pull me outta the circle that i was walking in. The circle was leading me nowhere but back to square 1.
Dearest chocolate and kor, thanks for always being there to hold on to me, and spur me on. Thanks for all that you guys have done, really. Thanks for being there for me, always. I seriously have no idea how to thank you guys for the support that you have given me.. Yet, i really appreciate it, like really and genuinely ((: Nonetheless, I will always be there to support you guys and pull you up if you ever need any emotional support (:
Moving on, my ben dan (: Thanks for being there, always. Thanks for being there no matter how long we have cut contacts. Thanks for everything (: Thanks for understanding me, and being there like, always. Thanks for loving and supporting me unconditionally despite knowing what my answer will be. Thanks for constant encouragement, and helping me find myself. Thanks for being a shoulder for me to rely on whenever I need it. Thanks for bringing smiles to my face whenever its so ever drowning with tears. Thanks for not giving up on me and guide me back to the track. And Ben dan, i'm sorry as well. Sorry for the times I hurt you unknowingly, with my whines. Sorry for the times I made you worried and kept you up all night. I'm also sorry for the times that I pushed you away. Most of all, i'm sorry for the times that I hurt you by hurting myself..
Nonetheless, thanks for being there, always. And i will remember every single word that you once said to me. Yes, i will. I will cherish the times that you're by my side. Yes, i will. *big hugs* you know, I will remember you no matter where I might be.. Thanks for your support all these years whenever I fall. Like really, whenever I fall hard, you'd appear! (: Despite the little communication, I must say, you do understand me well. lols. Still, i'm sorry but thankful for your existence, ben dan. If i could, i wouldn't want you to leave. HOWEVER, i'm not that selfish. Like I always say, I'm not the best in the world. You can always find someone better than me by at least 10times out there. And so, may happiness be with you, always (:
Lastly, you*. uhs, ya. I just wanna thank you for all that you gave. And, thanks for the pleasant memories. Yeaps.
Alrighty, that's all! (: *phews* long entry. And I'm done. All ready to celebrate Christmas and new year, with a much lighter heart (: Alrighty, i'm running late, AGAIN! lols. *slaps forehead* when can I ever learn to be on time? Seriously, i need to set my new year resolutions SOON. lols! Toodles, and till later (:
xoxo,
joanne (:
(the little bean)
`beautiful delusions_
11:00 AM
